tired

I'm so tired of being tired. Okay, there, I said it.

A few friends [Calli, Melanie, and Sarah (who is always right there constantly blessing me with her authenticity)] have commented/blogged about being real or have just just been a bit more authentic in their writing lately - not being afraid to share some of the more yucky parts of their days or circumstances. Thanks for being real gals.

I, more often than not, try to steer away from broadcasting the yuck going on in fear of presenting myself as one who complains or whines. [Though I know some of you will not forget some writing with .... how shall we say... intensity.] Not that I don't ever demonstrate those emotions/actions, but it's not really any of my finer moments - or ones I'm proud of. Reading my friends' realness encouraged me to go ahead and risk it. The deal about risk is that it takes trust. I have to trust I'm not going to be labeled as a whiner, complainer, or one who is looking for pity. 

I read a story today about a man who went to share the Gospel with a tribe of people in Africa. After two years of working with them no one had come to accept or believe the love and forgiveness of Christ. When the missionary's son had been killed in an accident, the father went out into the woods [not wanting the village people to hear/see him being "weak"] and cried out with great pain to God. What the man didn't know is that a villager had followed him out to the woods. After hearing and seeing the man crying out, the villager ran back into the village, "The white man is like us! The white man is just like us!" Within six months the whole village was part of the family of God.

I don't ever think (or want to portray) that I am any different or better off than anyone else; I just simply don't want/like to draw attention to myself unless I'm purposefully trying to make people laugh or smile.

like this

My reality right now: I'm so tired of being tired. I've been on a "figure out what's going on with Janelle" journey for over a year. Any kind of test you can think of that involves checking blood, the digestive system, and hormones, I've been through. Some doctors think it's Lupus, others disagree. No matter which side of the fence they're on with the Lupus, they've all said a variation of, "Well, you're quite the mystery," or "Aren't you quite the case!" or "Huh, you've stumped us." Great.

It's been a number of weeks since I've paid attention to my body and the symptoms I may, or may not, be having. I've excused the fatigue to recuperating from my sister and nephews being here - late night sister time and loads of fun like this:

after a mean round of ping-pong (which she opted out of)

on a scavenger hunt... fun fun

grocery cart races... nothing like it!

"HIGH VOLTAGE"... uh, yeah!

hangin on the Gulf side

well, some things just can't be explained

It's now been five weeks since they've left and I know that my body is well enough caught up from those "party" times. I told Priscilla [my roommate] a couple weeks ago, "Just when I think I've had a 'flare-up/bad' week, I find myself in one even worse than the previous. Sleep is NOT one of my favorite pastimes folks. I love to be active. I love doing, adventuring, and living life. I'm as good as gold with six to seven hours of sleep. In the super rare times I do sleep til nine o'clock in the morning [after having been up til two or three in the morning] I have to get myself past the mindset that half the day is already gone!

I'm getting more than eight hours of sleep a night, even more on the weekends, and yet still I'm taking advantage of Mia's nap time and sleeping at least an hour of it myself! I don't even like naps! [15 minute power naps, fine, but anything else is not my cup of tea.]  I. CAN'T. GET. ENOUGH. SLEEP! I'm so tired of dragging. I'm tired of being tired. I feel awful. It's hard for me to see people out and about because I know I look pathetic and I have hardly anything to contribute to conversation - because I'm practically asleep already. It was a little easier about a month ago when I could just tell people I'm still catching up from precious time with sister and nephews, but now... I got nothin!

I'm tired. I'm tired and no one can figure out why. I could have an autoimmune disease [lupus], but the tests haven't confirmed it and it's one of the hardest diseases to track and diagnose. I'm a mystery. I'm tired. And I'm ready to be done being tired. If I have the privilege of being around you, I'm sorry for the extreme lack of energy I present as I drag myself into your presence. I'm sorry for my attempts at conversing that really just come out lame. I'm sorry I can't fix or change it. I eat well, I sleep well, I'm not depressed, my iron isn't too low... I'm at a loss. So, friends, please excuse me when I seem disinterested in conversation, when I let you down and throw questions in your head about the once-spunky-silly-loving-life-Janelle and wondering where she's gone or why I'm not as bouncy with you as I once was... I'm just simply, yes, TIRED.